Recently I took a walk past a small garden adjacent to a walkway in the yard. About a year ago I took the time to stencil words on broken shards of pottery.
I find that many of the things that Andrew does turns into fodder for creativity. He broke some mugs and they became part of the garden "pottery graveyard." That in turn creates another outlet to create something new from something shattered.
That seems to be the story of my life... creating new dreams from shattered hopes.
In the depths of despair, Papercatz was born. When mugs break I create garden memorabilia, when clothes get shredded I use the shreds for recyclable packing. Refusing, I guess on some subliminal level to let autism win.
As I looked at this mini garden I noticed two things; 1. Ripley, our very loved but maniac labrador had begun to undermine the edges with relentless digging. (I always wonder what is he looking for?) Ripley is very much like the lab from the Jennifer Aniston movie Marley and Me. Loveable but slightly insane and utterly clueless to the chaos he brings to every event.
Only he knows why he digs. But his newest conquest was the edge of my garden. Last week it was a branch from the butterfly bush, the week before that the hydrangea was almost uprooted. Is he looking for something? Why do dogs dig? Why does Ripley dig? Because he can... and does incessantly. We have many gopher ankle twister holes in the yard always being filled in, only to be dug out again. Maybe he could join a dog road crew and get busy cleaning up pot holes. I'll have him ready at 7 a.m. and I'll even pack his lunch if someone would just keep him busy and out of trouble all day!
I digress...
When I looked at my mini garden, after assessing Ripley's renovations, I saw words I had stenciled onto these shards... Hope, Faith, Dream, Laugh and on this particular day I wondered if the exercise of painting these words was an exercise in hope for me that I could remember to practice and participate in these lovely words. Dream? Dream of what? I am sometimes not sure what to dream about or for ... so busy am I just surviving it would seem. Hope? Hope for what exactly? and Faith? Faith in what? A cure for autism, a hope for a successful business, health, happiness... what exactly do these words mean?
On this particular day, sadly the words fell flat and I could only stare at them missing their meaning and caught in a vacuum.
Andrew had been particularly diffcult that week and I realized that my "center" - my compass - was his center. If he was off. I was off. If he was okay I was okay and I never realized my gravity and my balance lie squarely with him... who knew an autistic kid held my happiness in his moods.. If he is happy so am I. If he is not neither am I. We are dysfunctionally symbiotic...
So this week I try to re embrace those words, plan for the business, create new things and get involved in tackling things long overdue.
I am searching for center... and I am a bit closer to finding it...
cate
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