Thursday, August 6, 2015

How I lost and found myself - musings from the brink....

I have always felt that overall I have a cheery disposition...not smiling all the time, funny, laughing and robustly and overtly friendly and outgoing and full of good cheer, but the more intimate type of cheery... i.e. happy in one's own skin...happy with little skies..mountains...nature...silent vistas and ocean views... opening my sun roof and watching clouds zip by above brings me great joy.. and almost embarrassingly a feeling of elation...

I don't share much of this happy internal frenzy with anyone as I don't think they would understand or perhaps think me daft or  simple... and simple is a term I can proudly own... simple... sincere... and tenacious.. I'd like to hope these are some of my qualities.  I aspire to be all three.

I have done much thinking this last year and had just reason to reexamine EVERYTHING... where I am going with my Etsy shop... how I will care for Andrew... the reason, after all, for the very existence of the Etsy shop, how to promote my business, how to continue, how to feel successful and creative.   Mixed in with some personal concerns about health, business and parental concern are other factors, most of which I cannot control... jobs, spousal health and well being, and overall sense of a crazy upside economy..the last of which makes no sense to me and seems to be on a crash course for disaster.

I try to remove myself and inwardly retreat from as much of the perils of civilization that I can possibly achieve and still live in New Jersey, land of what seems to be a BILLION people... all at arm's length and ready to intrude and happy to intrude  in your personal space at any moment.

And so it came that I had to find a "happy" place for myself.. a sanctuary from all that is impossible to maneuver, redirect or change... a place and a time to ask myself - ask my very core of being..... DO YOU NEED TO HAVE A PARTNER IN LIFE TO BE TRULY HAPPY - OR is happiness a state of mind that does not rely on a partner?

How often have I said "You make me sad or you make me happy."  WHY should anyone rely on someone else to make them sad or happy. Is this is a coexistence society... where isolation is the root of unhappiness and togetherness the root of happiness?  And what if the "togetherness" you yearn for does not meet your expectations? Are you then doomed to be unhappy eternally until and/if/when you meet another "partner" to share your life with?

I am always impressed by successfully happy people, creating, exploring and enjoying life on THEIR terms... and I believe it is the ONLY way for me to exist, thrive and return to a reasonably stable state of contentment.

I don't believe every day can or should be happy, but I am diabolically opposed to the idea that one's happiness must depend on the attention, love or companionship of another..

I suppose that is why Thoreau spent so much time alone... perhaps he, too was exploring the realms of "aloneness" as a means to determine his own worth, or sense of self satisfaction.

To gain happiness in the small things... to be willing to explore..stretch your boundaries and unfailingly try new things should be the seed that you sow not for others but for yourself and only yourself...

Ponderings on this beautiful Thursday.....

Cate :)

No comments:

Post a Comment