Papercatz Garden - High summer

I like to document the seasons and the changes they bring to my patch of earth.  We have a large flower garden and a smaller vegetable garden - all organic.

we struggle with the soil as it is not great growing medium, and it needs to be amended and helped along to provide proper nutrients.  This year is our second year with tomatoes and gourds, peppers, and herbs.

The gourds are going great with new babies popping up along the vine every day. Today I spied some new ones in green with yellow tops.  The remainder are a nondescript fall gourd, but I love them nonetheless as they are home grown.

I can sense the seasons more than I even see them... I feel them change. I believe even if you took away a calendar I would know where we are in the seasons by the way the light slants, the bugs hum and the birds fly.

The time of spiders will soon be upon us ... they occupy the zone between late summer and early autumn. It is still warm in the day but the nights cool forming copious amounts of dew on the grass, drenching your shoes even with a simple walk across to the barn.

The spiders will work furiously to form tiny webs everywhere in the grass, I suppose trapping the last of summer's bounty.  Knowing full well what cold lies ahead they seek to gorge themselves on other hapless insects.  Its a bug eat bug world...

From the tiniest of insects the need to survive and the drive to survive is hard wired.

Lopsided benefits - children with disabilities

I am a person, who by my own admission, clings too tightly to those things I love.  It always revolves around people but at times it can be directed at a well loved pet, a  favorite shrub,  a place, a sentimental round about of emotions.

I enter this circle with the unintentional intention of never leaving; clinging to those who impact my life positively and at times people who impact it negatively.  I am in a revolving door of emotions; holding on when I should be letting go; seeing through my own tinted glasses virtues and traits in people that are not there, and when I should be running in the other direction, instead I draw the circle tighter.

When you are raising a child with a disability you are subjected to that revolving door of emotions more than is comfortable or natural. You have caregivers come who lift you up out of some very dark spots; give you a reason to believe or hope things can be better, when you have hit rock bottom, and in my case, I cling to them like a  human life preserver, not relying on my own strength and conviction, but instead  allowing them to direct and drive through the commotion, while I jump in the back seat.

While is is natural and necessary to allow others to take over when you are on this long journey of disability support, it is not in my best interest or any parent's best interests to completely turn over the reins and step back. To do so is to court disaster and emotional disintegration.

I have been guilty of that this past year -  attaching myself like a strip of velcro to the vitality of another; and crossing off  all the negatives in my mind, of where this was going to take me.

I cannot hold onto others with an iron claw grip.  I have to allow my strength and resiliance to rebound.  Yes, allow help, support, respite, but don't give up your captain's hat. You will invariably need to get out the sextant and chart your own course in due time.

If you stay in the crow's nest, keep your eye on the horizon, the curve is less steep, the shock less painful when your "crew" abandons ship.

I say this out loud to myself as much as an affirmation as I can muster today as I figure out how to take back the helm, steer the ship and keep my course.

Two years ago when I started the business for Andrew I started it with a sense of purpose and determination. That has not changed. Though I mourn for what I wished would have been a longer relationship with our support person, I have to accept that this is not the way this ship was charted to sail.

I have to allow the drift and believe I can manage the wheel once again.

cate

When you come to the end of all that you know....

I heard a little quote many years ago when I began the autism journey - little did I know the journey would become as arduous as it has - but the quote went like this...


When you come to the end of all that you know and are about to step out into darkness.... faith is knowing that you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.....

I often think about that when I am faced with those times that any step seems to be the wrong step or any step might pitch me into the precipice of the unknown.. a dark and unfamiliar world that I dread to enter.

The entire autism journey has been that way.. unknowing, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable ... never quite being sure which way to turn or path to take. It has not changed in 16 years and I don't expect it ever will.

Today I learned that Andrew's job coach and supporting team member is leaving.. so sad to see her leave. She has been on the Papercatz team for a year and I had hoped to have her in our lives longer... selfish of me I know ... but I hoped. I wish her well and will always appreciate the goodness she brought to our home.

It is difficult finding new personnel and when people work in your home every day they become more than personnel they become family.   I am sad to see her go, but hope that her future is bright and happy...

Scared... yes and unprepared always for what is next...

cate

Memories of summer

Tonight while cutting the grass and smelling the summer smells - my nose - my brain and my eyes took me back to an earlier day, earlier times, summers of bliss and laziness. Summers of childhood. If only you could bottle that innocence and exuberance and remember to use it wisely, uncork the bottle of youth slowly and savor savor savor.

The sight and smells of newly mown grass brought me back to playing outside until dark, never wanting to come in and coming in exhausted, dirty and sweaty and not really wanting to take a bath or shower, but being forced to succumb to the water and the soap's magic. If you were lucky a snack before bed was a true treat and rare.

There was spotty air conditioning then, not the monster cold machines we have now, and my room had no air conditioner -  just a fan grabbing wisps of a cooler night just outside the window.

I would push my bed under the window (fretting about the unknown things outside in the dark lurking just outside the window's  halo of light).  Monsters? Bad guys? vampires? It would depend on what movies I had watched that week as to what flashbacks I might be entertaining on any given evening.

The wisps of air were often lacking and I tossed and turned looking for those elusive cool spots on the bed, hoping for a reprieve.  This was the era pre sunblock/sunscreen, so I often was sporting a new sunburn on my back, making back sleeping impossible.   Add the factors together, the heat and the sunburn and I am sure there were nights where I was awake more than asleep. Hoping for the tiny wisps of cool air.

This was the era of grin and bear it.   There was no whining "It's too hot."    "I need a drink of water." Those types of pleas in my home went unheard and unanswered. "Don't wake your father - I'll get you a drink" was more the norm --with my mother sneaking in the extra comfort. Dads were tough in those days not coddlers not enablers.

I shot some pictures tonight while enjoying the green grass and cool air of a temperate nite.

Little garden monster - saddleback caterpillar - his sting feels like a lit cigarette! Beware! He got me! 

Sunset - August, 2013 - looks like the Caribbean - but it is not!

Dream your dreams and fly your flights of fancy - you are never too old to dream! 

=

HIGH SUMMER - FLOWERS IN THE BARN

I always like to try to take the time to enjoy each season for all that it brings to my senses.

Fall is my favorite season - the changes in temperature, storms and fast moving skies, quickens my senses and makes me feel more connected to the earth - more influenced by its fury and its strength.

Winter follows close behind fall as a favorite time. I do get tired of the end of winter - those tired late winter days of warmer temperatures, winter desperately trying to fling some snow our way only to find it melting in the atmosphere and raining down on us in the form of slushy, mushy snow/ice.

I like the days of deep winter most - those times when hibernation and the need to nest take on new meaning,  urgency and enjoyment. A cozy blanket, some chips and cheese  and a good movie.  My favorite seasons overall seem to be those seasons with the most change, the most volatility for storms and the need to be sheltered taking haven indoors. I am not of a tropical mind set.

I tolerate summer - threatening to run to Alaska should it continue in the 90's - wondering where in the world I could live where it is cool enough and moderate enough to spare me from this horrible humid heat. It smolders up from the ground in late day.  You can feel it oozing up from the grass at the end of a long, hot, humid day. There is a miniature sauna at my feet, alive with insects, more than I really want to know about or acknowledge live at my feet. I feel especially vulnerable as I tip toe through clover with buzzing bees and flip flops.  My feet are an easy target for a sting or two. I carefully avoid the bees, firstly because I respect them and secondly because the stings not only hurt me, but it kills the bees who are only doing their job of collecting pollen to feed their colonies.

So, I muddle through summer, dreaming of cooler days, waiting for fall...  and taking the time to remind myself to bring in the fresh flowers that abound right now.  The garden is chock full of blooms. Amid the buzzing bees I take  a few. Trying not to disturb their work.

Green fields of soy - there is a hint of a rainbow. 

The secret life of bees and not so secret life of Ripley - July 's bounty

Gardening comes easily for me - having an English father who was ahead of his time with his ability to grow just about anything - and had a huge  English cottage garden long before they came to be known by that name - taught me a tiny bit about gardening I suppose - not that I was interested but I learned by osmosis.

I have a large perennial garden which has been neglected with the heat of these past weeks I cannot get past the heat or the bees to get in it to ferociously weed it.

So it was this evening as I surveyed the damages and plotted to clean it up I spotted two bees asleep in the flowers. Who knew they sleep in flowers? Didn't common knowledge tell us they go back to the safety of the hive at night? Apparently they did not get the memo...

I think if they caught too far from the hive as evening approaches they hunker down and stay put.

A baby and a full grown bee were side by side waiting it out - little survivors I guess - outwitting mother nature.

In the background of course is Ripley  - whose battery for his electric fence has died (thank the stars one arrives in the mail tomorrow). I have been watching him like a hawk. He is intent on a reign of destruction and I am intent on having it NOT happen.

So another day closes and with it the garden goes to sleep - (I will dream about weeds growing in my sleep).

Pink cone flowers

perennial sunflowers

Paris the silkie hen - she cannot see a thing!

shasta daisies purple cone flowers

RIPLEY THE LAWN WRECKER

Brown eyed susan

evening glow in the barn 

Twenty Steps - Living one minute at a time with autism.... Life unplugged

No one would really know just to look at me that I lead a double life... no not espionage or secret identities, but a life that's  minute to minute versus a life that stretches out for the long haul. I often cannot think past 30 minutes sometimes ten.  It is a visceral life I lead, sometimes raw with stress, pain and frustration, sometimes joy and elation.  

I have a very hard time with the word "normal." Who defines normal.. One day, when I was heavy into knitting I lamented my missed stitches and possibly poor choice of knitting pattern to an older veteran knitter.  She said to me "do you like it? I said "yes." She smiled in a twinkle in the eye sort of smile and said
"Well that's all that matters. There are no rules to creativity.  No judgment."

Wise words.....

So today, living with a soon to be 19 year old with severe autism, nonverbal,  cantankerous and at times strangely unexpectedly volatile I learn to lead with two faces. One that the world sees that presents calm and rationale and the other face that is screaming inside "What do I do now?"

I have learned for parents/people caring for individuals with disabilities from the very youngest to the seniors with medical and intellectual disabilities - there is no charge of the light brigade - as another parent put it - "I was waiting for help that never came."  How true...

There is help and there is hope but it lies within you not around you. YOU are the key to your own happiness or misery.  By accepting this life as a soldier in the army of disability, you are signing onto a lifetime career. Not necessarily the one you like or even choose, but the one that you need to fulfill.  Stress and uncertainty become best friends. Frustration and isolation are your bunkmates.

Sometimes when I up late into the early morning, (loving the peace of the night), I watch Cesar Milan (dog whisperer)he has a lot of wise words that often fit surprisingly well into my situation. He once told a family "You don't get the dog you want you get the dog you need."  Well perhaps I got the kid I need... I thought to myself. What has he taught me?  I had to admit he taught me a lot - much of it good.  Thanks Cesar! :)

When people ask "how do you do it?" I truly want to laugh and answer bluntly "Do I have a choice?"

Last night, while working in the barn in the wee hours of the morning, I heard a door knob turn, (which jolted me for sure) and there was andrew at  1 a.m.  trying to enter the barn. Why  he was out in the yard at 1 a.m. I have no idea, nor can I ask him, I can only pray he follows me back into the house and does not elope further. (Note to self we have to have another alarm on the back door to alert us to this possibility).

I was grateful I am a night owl. What if he had been roaming and I was asleep and did not know?  

Why does he do what he does? What did he want in the barn? I will never know. I just have to now take more precautions than I did already to keep him safe.   It never ends and it never will.  Life is messy.

But then life is messy and difficult for many. I don't feel that my life is any worse than anyone going through tough times, I simply think it is longer. Most difficulties and dramas have a shelf life or expiration date. Death, divorce, has a way of quickly equalizing the misery.

Autism and other disabilities have no expiration dates - they are like a marriage - till death do you part..

For me, working in the barn, breathing life into paper, and creating flowers keeps me grounded and frequently sane. I love my customers, and they inspire me to keep going. When I keep going then so does Andrew and the world rights itself  for awhile.

As the sun sets here I begin to wonder how I should plan this night's autistic adventures.. But locking the door to prevent escape is high on the list of must do's...

So tonight the barn and I will sink into the night together with Andrew hopefully tucked safely inside, 20 steps away.... I have counted these steps funny to say - I have counted them as I have raced across the lawn in snow and rain and now horrible heat. They are all that separate me - and save me -  from life unplugged.

cate

A floral bouquet heading to Oklahoma!