Summer Work - Fall expectations- The making of paper flowers

I am going to do one 2 day show this fall and have been trying to get products ready for it... thought I would post some pictures  to remind myself  how much progress I have made.

crepe flowers are a new addition to the shop and I believe a beautiful one - lovely as keepsakes from a wedding event, bridal shower, birthday, and especially anniversaries.  Flowers are too beautiful to throw away... combine fresh flowers with paper keepsakes..

August - a month of musings

It has been a tough summer... hotter than usual ...drier than usual and exceptionally challenging both with the simple things... garden and flowers and with the more complex things... selling,  creating, marketing, advertising... and continuing to hope that I have what it takes to make my Etsy shop reasonably successful.

This summer has challenged me in ways I have not felt before, perhaps I am in a different place, different mind set... more susceptible to self doubt... but I find myself dreading opening that page, looking at my shop, trying to avoid checking in, but feeling guilty that I have waiting for me to respond and I am missing in action.

Where have all the customers gone? I have been singing that tune most of the summer... crashing precipitiously in June into the true summer doldrum of small shop stall.... It challenges the owner to think a bit differently... what other clients/customer/or buyers might be out there. Etsy cannot be my only venue, outlet and experience... but I often hogtie my own hands afraid to branch out further, afraid to try new lanes, roads and pathways to selling and marketing...

Self doubt creeps in and acts an invisible cord, not around my hands, but around my mind, my creativity, my spark, and my belief in myself. without a believe in oneself most forward motion cannot take place... and so I sit with flower "block" not sure how I want to proceed, why or where, and YEt at the same time, my flowers have grown on their own time and space into better products than the ones that were original to the shop... Have I lost my confidence? If so what do I need to do to find it again?

Life is a game... full of steps, ladders, mountains, streams and oceans... some are bigger obstacles to tackle than others, but all need to be dealt with. I never quit till the last chip falls and as I close I whisper to myself "flower power."

we all have our hurdles, grab a hand, say a prayer and leap....


cate :)

How I lost and found myself - musings from the brink....

I have always felt that overall I have a cheery disposition...not smiling all the time, funny, laughing and robustly and overtly friendly and outgoing and full of good cheer, but the more intimate type of cheery... i.e. happy in one's own skin...happy with little things...clouds...blue skies..mountains...nature...silent vistas and ocean views... opening my sun roof and watching clouds zip by above brings me great joy.. and almost embarrassingly a feeling of elation...

I don't share much of this happy internal frenzy with anyone as I don't think they would understand or perhaps think me daft or  simple... and simple is a term I can proudly own... simple... sincere... and tenacious.. I'd like to hope these are some of my qualities.  I aspire to be all three.

I have done much thinking this last year and had just reason to reexamine EVERYTHING... where I am going with my Etsy shop... how I will care for Andrew... the reason, after all, for the very existence of the Etsy shop, how to promote my business, how to continue, how to feel successful and creative.   Mixed in with some personal concerns about health, business and parental concern are other factors, most of which I cannot control... jobs, spousal health and well being, and overall sense of a crazy upside economy..the last of which makes no sense to me and seems to be on a crash course for disaster.

I try to remove myself and inwardly retreat from as much of the perils of civilization that I can possibly achieve and still live in New Jersey, land of what seems to be a BILLION people... all at arm's length and ready to intrude and happy to intrude  in your personal space at any moment.

And so it came that I had to find a "happy" place for myself.. a sanctuary from all that is impossible to maneuver, redirect or change... a place and a time to ask myself - ask my very core of being..... DO YOU NEED TO HAVE A PARTNER IN LIFE TO BE TRULY HAPPY - OR is happiness a state of mind that does not rely on a partner?

How often have I said "You make me sad or you make me happy."  WHY should anyone rely on someone else to make them sad or happy. Is this is a coexistence society... where isolation is the root of unhappiness and togetherness the root of happiness?  And what if the "togetherness" you yearn for does not meet your expectations? Are you then doomed to be unhappy eternally until and/if/when you meet another "partner" to share your life with?

I am always impressed by successfully happy people, creating, exploring and enjoying life on THEIR terms... and I believe it is the ONLY way for me to exist, thrive and return to a reasonably stable state of contentment.

I don't believe every day can or should be happy, but I am diabolically opposed to the idea that one's happiness must depend on the attention, love or companionship of another..

I suppose that is why Thoreau spent so much time alone... perhaps he, too was exploring the realms of "aloneness" as a means to determine his own worth, or sense of self satisfaction.

To gain happiness in the small things... to be willing to explore..stretch your boundaries and unfailingly try new things should be the seed that you sow not for others but for yourself and only yourself...

Ponderings on this beautiful Thursday.....

Cate :)

Flowers take center stage in the fight against autism

How do flowers take center stage in the fight against autism you ask yourself, scratching your head and thinking I have gone off the deep end... well perhaps I have and perhaps it is hard to understand what flowers have to do with autism.

In fact, flowers, paper flowers, are at the root of my/our existence. They stand between lack of purpose, lack of engagement in the world around us and they create bonds, connections and common ground. They are my autistic "social media."

Without a purpose, a job so to speak, Andrew, who has been mute and unable to converse without an assistive device is left without a reason to engage, without a purpose to be part of this larger world. Instead he stays locked up and locked into his own very small universe.

By creating flowers and keeping our Etsy shop alive I feel connected and determined to give him and myself purpose.

During our work with creating paper flowers, he appears to have a sense of self worth... I cannot ask him, but I can see by the look on his face, the smiles, the eye contact that I have scored a home run.

There are jobs we have determined that he dislikes, by his vocalizations and facial expressions...painting being one of those jobs.... and NO he is not a savant.. he does not paint Picasso renditions or launch off into a self portrait. He hands the paint brush back with a look of disgust... too messy... to uncontrolled.. too something... he just does not like it.. and so we no longer pursue painting.

However, we have discovered a new passion for him... he loves to stamp.. and stamp and stamp, and so he has developed a whole line of flowers that are his alone... Hand stamped and hand created... hand painted by ME since I do love to paint. (We don't share the abhorrence for painting gene).

He recently celebrated his 21st birthday.. I am floored by all that has occurred over the years and discouraged by the lack of forward movement both in the job situation for adults with disabilities and the living conditions available for them. (Group homes with poorly trained rotating staff members does not entice me to think good thoughts about this placement for him or others with disabilities). We are not doing a good job as a society.  We have emptied the institutions only to find there is not  much better for these individuals in life after institutions and developmental centers.

And so it goes for Andrew that we start each day with flowers.. and flowers save us.. they give us purpose and hope.

Andrew had a hand or finger in all of the products seen below.. either cutting the paper or cutting the wire stems. I am proud of him and proud of our little flower business... we often struggle ... but we never give up..
Please visit our Etsy shop at Papercatz.etsy.com  to see more products...

Peace,
Cate & Andrew

Catching up! - Summer begins...changing...growing..evolving

I have been negligent of my blog.. a place to sit and vent...talk to myself and think out loud...even if no one is listening..,. it feels good to speak to myself and perhaps gain some insight and hopefully wisdom... Reflecting on thoughts at times allows a glimpse into changes that needed to be made.

During this last winter I gave a lot of thought to change... and movement with my flowers. I am happy making flowers, but not necessarily happily if I don't change, improve, and transition to new ideas.. I am not enthralled with ho hum and repetitive and find myself flitting from one idea to another.. easily thrown off track by different styles, ideas...and  questioning myself what do I want to do.. how do I want to do it and how do I want others to perceive my little business.

It is important for me to stay true to ideals and to myself... not get lost or sidetracked by what is popular or what others are doing... to the point of emulating another's creation, but taking into consideration change, movement and improving what I have already created.

BIG flowers are BIG this year.. and I love them... CRICUT die cutting remains a staple of the trade.. do I change my patterns to meet these challenges and speed up the process of flower making or do I stay true to my own petite flowers... do petite flowers have a place... I had to answer my own queries... the answer was.is Yes... STAY TRUE TO WHAT YOU DO BEST but at the same time.. improving, change... grow... to meet your own standards and your own expectations... and so that question was put to bed. I am not going BIG and I am not going to die cutting... it would pull me away from my main goal and purpose... the only purpose of this shop is to give back... and so I will continue to make smaller flowers that andrew can help with ... to leave him out would be to leave my path... to stray from my purpose and I am unwilling to do that. He must be included injn our shop's products... if he is not I won't  feel fulfilled.

We continue our efforts to give back.. having made a donation  to the South Jersey Kids Trust in March of this year and we offer continue baking organic dog treats for donation to the Burlington Township animal shelter.

And so we move forward  and it seems right and proper to add some new pictures since I have been amiss at keeping up!!!

New Italian crepe paper party favors

Rustic hand cut birch slices

Some new color combinations for our Mason jar flowers

A colorful Mason Jar Pastel collection.

New Products coming soon! 

The new year

We ushered in the new year quietly ... it has been a year of hope, a year of change, a year of turmoil and a year of determination.

This year we joined the many individuals with autism who develop seizure disorders in their lifetime, and that was a club I was hoping not to join.

Little is said of adults with autism - and when I think of autism support - autism awareness  - I think of the preschool kids, the young toddlers newly  diagnosed struggling for answers. If I have learned something over these last 17 years I have learned there are no solidly true answers...there are only more questions.

With all of the support, all of the awareness the problems remain, the lack of activities, engagement and stimulation remains  outstandingly lacking.  There is an imaginary cliff that at age 18 or 20 drops individuals with autism into a swirling pot of uncertainty... where to  now? what's next?

The support these individuals and their families received  during the school years has been abruptly stopped. There is no "college or post high school next step."  There is loss of routine, loss of a purpose, loss of the social encounters that had happened daily  during school days turning into isolation, withdrawal, and regression. Skills learned now become skills lost.

Parents are left with tough choices: Place their now young adult children in supervised day programs... look for placement in group homes... hope for a budget to allow them to receive services at home and in the community.. or support their children themselves becoming caretaker, teacher, nurse, behaviorist, cook and chauffeur. It is a life long committment.  

It is not one that I shy away from but I am deeply in awe of all of the parents who do this every day like myself... it is overwhelming. Some days  more than others.

I live in the moment, as does Andrew... and we applaud the families who are making strides and providing an enriched environment to their sons or daughters with autism.

Cheers

cate

The Year winds down - heartbreak and hope

 I awoke this morning with a thought on my mind..it popped in unexpectedly and uninvited... autism is not a disability as much as it is a way of life. 

I could never predict  and I would have been wrong had I tried to predict where life would go... what Andrew would do or not do, accomplish or not accomplish ... where he would be at age 20... how we would care for him or survive the rigors of caring for a severely disabled individual.  

There is a mercy in not knowing.. a mercy in being spared a view into the future... there is a grace in retrospect that knowing now what we know would we have done all we have done for him in the early  years.  Would we have short changed him? Not tried quite so hard... not struggled quite so much... not dreamed quite so big?  

I believe life is meant to be lived in the present.. not what was..what could be or might be, but instead living firmly in the present of what is... I count seconds not hours and I count days not months. 

Andrew's care is firmly rooted in day to day. Like many individuals with severe disabilities Andrew lives in the moment... his moods can fluctuate from giddily happy to morosely sad all in the blink of 5 minutes. I try not to soak up his moods, but instead to float above them, understanding they ebb and flow like the sea. No one has any answers or predictions.  Just live for the day... have no expectations..be happy in the happy moments... and cautiously wait for the serious moments to move past. I revel in the smiles, rejoice in the laughter and securely hold the sad times at bay, hoping they will not return, but knowing they will. 

Andrew has entered a new realm this year.. an unforeseen and heretofore, untrampled path that has now been carved in my memory. Seared in emotional pathways and secured like the tracks of a railroad... one episode after another ... feeling so long and drawn out, but really only moments in time.  

And so it came to pass that this was the year that Andrew would develop a seizure disorder... not a mild seizure disorder, a slight lapse in consciousness or a tiny tremble of a hand or closing of the eyes, but instead a huge upheaval in the brain, an opening and closing of neurons and pathways... pathways that I picture snapping on and off like little firecrackers... only guessing what that might feel like in his brain... how uncomfortable that is.. how frightening... how engulfing of one's spirit. The inability to control one's limbs.  The flashing of lights perhaps? a tingling? a pain? What does this feel like that takes a human's soul to this netherworld of unconsciousness.. flipping, and clenching and taking over the body for those moments of misery.   

And so we lost a lot this year... lost our faith that all will go well... or at the very least progress... lost our resilience to a certain degree... and lost our ability to not have him in our sights at all times...without a pang of worry and fear that this monster of neurons would appear unexpectedly knocking him to the ground without our being aware. 

We have weathered this storm for now... not secure that it has passed but simply feeling that the squalls will come and go and tides will ebb and flow whether we are on board or not.... we just ride this ship as unwilling passengers... but we follow it where it takes us. 

After two emergency room visits we are beginning to piece some bits back together.. some little pieces of our existence returning with a small measure of confidence. We rely  on the anti seizure drugs to do whatever it is they do... but we monitor them carefully, because at times these medications are more sinister than the seizures themselves and they are not our friends, but only our uncomfortable  partners. 

Andrew has returned to working in the shop... though less than he used to... we are happy to have him... and we love him dearly as always.. there is no diminution of parental love despite the hardships... life truly does march on. 

Cutting wooden skewers for our paper trees - getting back into life.